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Funnies

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Funnies

Post by Bob on Wed Apr 21, 2010 12:32 pm

100 points to get into Heaven

Category : Heaven and Hell Jokes
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

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Re: Funnies

Post by Peter on Thu Apr 22, 2010 6:53 pm

Ha! Bob that was Great... and it's Great to Have You on Board! Ha... that really was funny... sorry I'm still laughing!

Anyway Bob thanks for signing up and look forward to all your posts and great contacts in the future!



Hard to write I'm laughing so much!
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Re: Funnies

Post by Bob Dee on Thu Apr 22, 2010 8:54 pm

Hey Bob Welcome to the Group. Another Bob here... Bob Dee... Hopefully they won't get us mixed up.

Hey I've got one...

Coincidence?

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done!"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi."

They explained their problem to the Rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What ishappening to our young people?"
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished their prayer, a voice came booming from the heavens: "Funny you should ask fellas," said the voice, "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
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Re: Funnies

Post by Larry on Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:56 am

God & Adam

God and Adam God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my Greatest Creation and Therefore, I am going to Create for You the Ultimate Companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command and she will be beautiful! Adam thinks for a Moment and replies... "Well God... How Much Will That Cost Me?" ..."An Arm and a Leg", says God. Thinking for a few more moments, Adam replies, "God... What Could I get for a Rib?"
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Re: Funnies

Post by Scoop on Sat Apr 24, 2010 4:22 pm

The Blond in Heaven

A Blonde got into Heaven, and When She Arrived at the Golden Gates, She Was Asked One Question: "What is God's Name?" She replied, "Andy... of course... everybody knows that!"

"Andy? Why Andy?", she was asked.

She replied, "Oh, you know, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.'
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Re: Funnies

Post by Sam on Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:02 pm

Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Re: Funnies

Post by Bill Smith on Mon Apr 26, 2010 7:56 pm

Local Call




The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What's that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies.The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and,indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while.

After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The Pope doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays.A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matters he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says: "Now I also want to pay for my charges on your phone." The Rabbi looks on the counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local Call."
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Re: Funnies

Post by Rick on Tue Apr 27, 2010 8:41 am

Who makes the coffee?
An Old Married Couple was arguing over who should make the coffee... the wife said that "The Bible Says" that men should make the coffee. The Husband said "That's Ridiculous", show me! Upon which the Wife Open up to the Book of HEbrews!

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Re: Funnies

Post by Rick on Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:59 am

A Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit ...
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
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Re: Funnies

Post by Larry on Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:17 pm

THAT LITTLE BIT THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT INTO GENESIS 1
The Four Stages of Man


God created the donkey & said to him : " You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.

You will be a donkey. " The donkey answered: " I will be a donkey,
but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.


God created the dog and said to
him: "You will be a dog. " You will guard the house of man. You
will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered:" Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10years. God granted his wish.


God created the Monkey and said to him: " You will be a monkey. " You will swing from branch tobranch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey." The monkey answered: " Sir, to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.

Finally God created the man and said to him: " You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. " You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: " Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spend 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
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Re: Funnies

Post by Peter on Fri Apr 30, 2010 6:33 am

A Mean Ol' Cattleman from West Texas Died...

...And went on to the Great Beyond. As he Approached the Great Gate, he Noticed that the Terrain was Bare with no Greenery. He remarked to the Gate Keeper,
"Howdy There Saint Pete... Say, this sure looks just like West Texas."

"The Gatekeeper Replied, "First of all Cowpok, ...I'm not Saint Peter and Second, Pardner... You Really Don't Know Where You Are At All, Do You?"
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Re: Funnies

Post by Rick on Fri Apr 30, 2010 10:54 am

A rich man brings a suitcase to Heaven


There once was a Rich Man who was Near Death. He was very Grieved Because he had Worked so Hard for his Money and he Wanted to To Take It With Him to Heaven. So he began to Pray that he Might be Able to take Some of his Wealth With Him.
An angel Hears his Plea and Appears to Him. "Sorry, But You Can't Take your Wealth With You." The man Implores the Angel to Speak to God to See if He Might Bend the Rules... Just This once.

The Man Continues to Pray and low and Behold The angel Reappears and Informs the Man that God has Decided to Allow Him to Take One Suitcase With Him. Overjoyed, The Man Gathers his Largest Suitcase and Fills It with Pure Gold Bars and Places it Beside His Bed.

Soon Afterward The Man Dies and Shows Up at the Gates of Heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter Seeing the Suitcase Says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, The Man Explains to St. Peter that he has Permission From God and asks him to verify his story with the Almighty. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are Allowed One Carry-on Bag, but I'm Supposed to Check its Contents Before Letting It Through."

St. Peter Opens the Suitcase to Inspect the Worldly Items that the man Found Too Precious to Leave Behind and Exclaims, "You Brought Pavement?!!"
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Re: Funnies

Post by John on Sat May 01, 2010 5:17 pm

Be Very Quiet As You Pass Room 8

A man Arrives at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his List, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the Gates of Heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the Gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there Being Different Rooms for Different Religions, but Why Must I be Quiet When I Pass Room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and They Think They're The Only Ones Here.
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Re: Funnies

Post by John on Sun May 02, 2010 4:53 pm

Choose your room

This guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
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Re: Funnies

Post by John on Mon May 03, 2010 2:46 pm

Heaven is Free


This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years mainly due to Her Interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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3rd Man to Walk on Water

Post by Rick on Wed May 05, 2010 3:40 pm

So Who Was The 3rd Man in History To Walk On Water?
*

*

*

The 1st One was Christ.

*

*

*

The 2nd was the Apostle Peter.

*

*

*

Then There was This Spanish Guy... Named Jose...
*

*

*


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Re: Funnies

Post by Chris on Fri May 07, 2010 1:26 pm

SPORTS IN HEAVEN?

QUESTION: In What Part of the Bible is Baseball Mentioned?


ANSWER: In The Big-inning

Click for A Great Picture from the main homepage
==============================

QUESTION: Who is the Fastest Runner in History ?

ANSWER: Adam - Because He Was the First in the Human Race.


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Re: Funnies

Post by Sam on Sat May 08, 2010 6:51 pm

A Woman went to the Post Office ....
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, My Goodness! Have We Come to That?" Said the Woman.


"Well... OK then... Give Me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!
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Re: Funnies

Post by Maria Guzman on Sun May 09, 2010 4:03 pm

And How Much of that Stack of Hay Did You Steal??? ...


"So Tell Me... And How Much of that Stack of Hay Did You Steal, Kavanaugh?" The Priest Asked at Confession.

"I Might as Well Confess to the Whole Stack, your Reverence," said
Kavanaugh.

"I'm Goin' After the Rest of It Tonight!"
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Million Dollars and a Million Years

Post by Windy on Thu May 13, 2010 4:41 am

Million Dollars and a Million Years

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.



"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.'

'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.'

'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.'

'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"

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Re: Funnies

Post by Rick on Thu May 13, 2010 2:45 pm

Christian Science Baloney

A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill. "No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time."

A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

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Gladdened Seven Hearts

Post by Bob Dee on Fri May 14, 2010 1:42 pm

Gladdened Seven Hearts

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically.

"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"What do you think" says the rabbi,

"that I do this for free?"
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Re: Funnies

Post by SpiritRider on Sun May 16, 2010 7:27 pm

What Ya Keep... & What Ya Give...

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Minister and a Rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The Priest explained that he Drew a Circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed In the Circle he kept and what landed outside the Circle God kept.

The Baptist Minister said that his method was almost the same,except that what landed outside the circle He Kept and the rest Went to God.

The Rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money up into the air and what God wants, God takes... the rest that Hits The Ground... well... ."
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Re: Funnies

Post by John on Mon May 17, 2010 1:20 pm

Pope in Heaven
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and uttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

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Re: Funnies

Post by Brandy on Wed May 26, 2010 3:39 am

The Little Boys Prayer

There were these two boys who lived with their Grandma. They were about to go to bed but before they slept they prayed. The older son started to pray. He prayed about the day he had and about everything he had done. The younger son then started to pray, he prayed much louder than his elder brother, he prayed for bikes and toys, and when he finished the older brother asked him "Why are you praying so loud? God is not deaf" and the younger son responded and said " Yea but Grandma is..."
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Re: Funnies

Post by Dave on Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:26 pm

The European Union Language Fix
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language
of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Re: Funnies

Post by Peter on Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:49 pm

Ha Larry! Never saw that before! That was Great... Thanks!
Larry wrote:God & Adam

God and Adam God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my Greatest Creation and Therefore, I am going to Create for You the Ultimate Companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command and she will be beautiful! Adam thinks for a Moment and replies... "Well God... How Much Will That Cost Me?" ..."An Arm and a Leg", says God. Thinking for a few more moments, Adam replies, "God... What Could I get for a Rib?"
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Re: Funnies

Post by Bob Dee on Sat Mar 26, 2011 6:14 am

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Re: Funnies

Post by Brandy on Sat Mar 26, 2011 3:03 pm

Times Like These... it sure helps to smile and trust that God is in Control! Praying for all you folks in Japan! Praying For Victories Out Of Seeming Defeat!
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Re: Funnies

Post by Dave on Fri May 13, 2011 1:48 pm

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Re: Funnies

Post by Yuta on Wed Aug 17, 2011 8:39 pm


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Re: Funnies

Post by Peter on Fri Sep 16, 2011 8:45 am

Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Re: Funnies

Post by roger on Sat Sep 24, 2011 3:32 pm

Cool


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Re: Funnies

Post by Scoop on Mon Oct 03, 2011 8:51 am

Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan Universityin Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."



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Re: Funnies

Post by Richard Smith on Sat Oct 08, 2011 7:02 pm

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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Re: Funnies

Post by Ed on Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:51 pm

These are great! Thanks Everyone.

Peter wrote:
Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Re: Funnies

Post by Buzz on Fri Jan 27, 2012 5:45 pm

Funniest thing to me is how incredibly long it takes for the site to load. All joking aside... it is a problem and I was wondering if something couldn't be done about it? God Bless You All... I treasure this site and come on almost everyday, but I don't post because of the download time.

I'm Waitin'... Come On... Download Already... Smile
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Re: Funnies

Post by Peter on Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:31 pm

Great Post Buzz! Looks like somebody heard you because now it's downloading like a rocket. Now to see if we can post videos again... a fella can only hope! Puppy Picture was perfect! Wooof Wooof! HA! All the best!

Buzz wrote:Funniest thing to me is how incredibly long it takes for the site to load. All joking aside... it is a problem and I was wondering if something couldn't be done about it? God Bless You All... I treasure this site and come on almost everyday, but I don't post because of the download time.

I'm Waitin'... Come On... Download Already... Smile
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Re: Funnies

Post by Buzz on Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:21 pm

Downloading Problem is Now History! Domo Arigato!

When I left Narita the Site Was Flowing Like Mud
But Arriving in LA it Was No Longer a Dud!

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Re: Funnies

Post by Bob Dee on Thu Feb 02, 2012 4:45 pm

Yep... Logging in was a pain... felt like I had to wait for the tree to grow before I could get to the LOG IN part. Seems better now! Wow... Thank You!

And While We Are talking of something funny... how about...

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

also

CHILDREN ARE QUICK



These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.



Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________


TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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Re: Funnies

Post by Windy on Fri Feb 03, 2012 3:23 pm

Bob some of those might not fit so well on this site? Just a thought, but they were funny. Thank you.
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Re: Funnies

Post by Peter on Fri Feb 03, 2012 6:17 pm

OK Bob... I'm with Windy on this one. HA! But...
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Re: Funnies

Post by Harry on Tue Feb 14, 2012 7:31 pm

These were Fun...

Don't let your worries get the best of you.
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews..

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisers.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose,
but mosquitoes come close.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

People are funny: they want
the front of the bus,
the middle of the road,
and the back of the church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Opportunity may knock once,
but temptation bangs on the front door forever.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Quit griping about your church.
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If a church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God doesn't propose to judge a man
until he is dead. So why should you?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some minds are like concrete:
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Peace starts with
a smile.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I
Don't know why some people change churches.
What difference does it make
which one you stay home from?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A lot of church members singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em --
God'll clean 'em.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Coincidence is when God chooses
to remain anonymous.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't put a question mark where
God put a period.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God doesn't call the qualified.
God qualifies the called.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God grades on the cross,
not the curve.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone,
but probably prefers
'fruits of the spirit' over
'religious nuts'!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If God is your co-pilot, swap seats!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Prayer:

Don't give God instructions.
Just report for duty!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The Will of God never takes you
to where the Grace of God
will not protect you.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We don't change the message.
The message changes us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

Harry

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Re: Funnies

Post by Lou on Sun Mar 18, 2012 3:51 pm

Lend me a cent... Ha! That Was a Winner!

Windy wrote:
Million Dollars and a Million Years

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.



"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.'

'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.'

'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.'

'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"

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